I finished Three Cups of Tea. It's now my second-favorite book, behind Mountains Beyond Mountains. Both of these books are the true stories of regular people who don't have anything but dreams, and enough commitment to their dreams to literally change the world. One thing I noticed about both books is that each man happens upon a single wealthy benefactor who believes in what they're doing, but can't quite commit to doing it themselves, so they devote their lives and their fortunes to bringing these dreams to life. Some days, I want to be Greg Mortensen or Dr. Paul Farmer, but other days, I see the benefactors as equally important, and I don't know who I'm supposed to be.
" One day White asked Farmer, who looked pale as usual, 'You eatin' enough?' 'Oh, I'm fine,' said Farmer. 'Need any money?' 'No,' said Farmer. 'Well, maybe forty dollars?' White happened to have a wad of hundred-dollar bills in his pocket. He tossed one into Farmer's lap. 'You look hungry to me.' Saying this, he felt impelled to reach in his pocket again. He tossed another hundred to Farmer. ' Please, for God's sakes, eat.' he said, and to emphasize the point, he gave Farmer yet another hundred.' Farmer looked down at the loot. 'Now I can tell you what happened last night.' He'd gone to the home of an AIDS patient...about to be evicted. 'I signed my check over to him.' 'Jeez, Paul, don't you think that's kind of impractical?' Farmer smiled. 'Well,' he said, 'God sent you today.' White said, 'You know, Paul, sometimes I'd like to chuck it all in and work as a missionary with you in Haiti.' Farmer thought for a while, then said, 'In your particular case, that would be a sin.' "
Sometimes I hate doing grown-up things, like buying health insurance. It's stupid because I only need it for 2 months and 3 days but I had to pay for 3 months to get fully covered...which I need to be because I'm leaving tomorrow for a 7.5 hour road trip to Ohio, and if I didn't have it at the end of December, well you know how crazy winter gets in these parts of the South ;) But seriously, when I make decisions like this I feel like the universe will explode when I click the "submit" button. I have to sit there for a few minutes and fret before I actually commit. I am pathetic.
Today I'm getting new hair. I don't know what it will look like yet but I think I need a change. Tomorrow I'm leaving to spend a few days in Ohio to visit Jess and Jarod and Abby. What should I be for Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeen? My current options are: a liger, a unicorn, Juno, or a pirate. But I don't have any costume ideas or anything.
Last night the Colts lost to the worst team in football and it broke my little heart. I freaking hate the Titans, especially Vince Young. Most of them belong in jail, but Vince Young is just dumb. I've seen several interviews with him since moving to Nashville, and I truly believe he is the worst role model in all of sports. He's not smart, and he's a total jerk. Once I heard my friend Steven describe some football players in Mississippi as being "dumb as bricks." That is exactly how I think of Vince Young. The only teams/players I hate as much as them are the Bengals (meanies), the Patriots (duh), and Ben Rothlisberger (he deserves to go to jail too, because after his motorcycle accident that nearly killed him because he wasn't wearing a helmet, he said he still wouldn't wear one...another cool role model). I couldn't even watch the end of the game. I'm a terrible sports fan.
I'm on a mission to give people really awesome Christmas presents, and in the process I keep looking up plane tickets I can't afford to places everyone dreams of going. Well, there's always next year.
I have to go make a giant pot of chili.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
A Season of Surrendering
When I look at the date on my last post, it's hard for me to believe it's been that long since I've written anything. My days have been full, and mostly joyful, and have brought me home to Indiana twice. But time stops for me when my dad gets sick. Or rather, it keeps going, and I just don't pay attention. Things happen and I don't remember, or care. I have trouble living outside these moments and I am angered when people expect me to. I want to talk and find I cannot in the same instant. I owe it to caring, praying friends to give details, but nothing in me will let me. If I don't talk about it, I think, maybe it won't be happening. I want to spend my days sitting in a hospital room and can't help wondering how I will ever keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing in future times like these, when all I want is to flee responsibility and focus on the pain at hand.
Almost two years ago, on the day they took away my dad's cancer, we woke up at 4 in the morning and drove to the hospital on an empty highway in near silence. And God spoke to me in a pass-it-on billboard that said "Your family can do incredible things, too," and also in the radio's Rich Mullins song that continues to chase me into prayer chapels and prayerful positions in which I can't help but pray, "Won't you be my Prince of Peace?" I think often of that moment and swell with emotion when I realize that God had ordained that moment from the beginning of time, so that he could put a steady hand on my shoulder and comfort me when I felt so alone and forgotten. On some level, I need to feel that again.
Today we watched The Duchess and I'm in the middle of reading Three Cups of Tea. This week I am overwhelmed by so many emotions toward life, love, and God that I feel lost in myself and in the greater picture of the world. I have trouble seeing past my family's struggles that seem to perpetually reappear just when I've forgotten the sting of the last illness. When I read this book, I question my own mundane daily life and want to throw away everything I own and trust God enough to risk even being "detained" in whatever unreached, unadulterated part of the world I might find myself in. And when I watch this movie, I am filled with the desire to empower the oppressed and create better lives--and find a voice--for society's marginalized.
Who am I? How do these things fit together? What am I supposed to do? Crying makes me feel better, but in the morning, the problems are still there.
Almost two years ago, on the day they took away my dad's cancer, we woke up at 4 in the morning and drove to the hospital on an empty highway in near silence. And God spoke to me in a pass-it-on billboard that said "Your family can do incredible things, too," and also in the radio's Rich Mullins song that continues to chase me into prayer chapels and prayerful positions in which I can't help but pray, "Won't you be my Prince of Peace?" I think often of that moment and swell with emotion when I realize that God had ordained that moment from the beginning of time, so that he could put a steady hand on my shoulder and comfort me when I felt so alone and forgotten. On some level, I need to feel that again.
Today we watched The Duchess and I'm in the middle of reading Three Cups of Tea. This week I am overwhelmed by so many emotions toward life, love, and God that I feel lost in myself and in the greater picture of the world. I have trouble seeing past my family's struggles that seem to perpetually reappear just when I've forgotten the sting of the last illness. When I read this book, I question my own mundane daily life and want to throw away everything I own and trust God enough to risk even being "detained" in whatever unreached, unadulterated part of the world I might find myself in. And when I watch this movie, I am filled with the desire to empower the oppressed and create better lives--and find a voice--for society's marginalized.
Who am I? How do these things fit together? What am I supposed to do? Crying makes me feel better, but in the morning, the problems are still there.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Good news!
I finally got a freaking job!
I got two job offers on Friday and had all weekend to analyze and cry and pray and not know what to do. I went back and forth about both jobs and kept praying that when I woke up this morning, I would know what to do. I had an inkling when I woke up, and through a series of events only God could have orchestrated, it became very clear that I should take one and not the other. I not only will get to work with Hispanics, but that's basically why they're hiring me--to establish a Hispanic client base in a certain area. The woman in charge is really fabulous and she has a vision for the Hispanic population that includes me, specifically, and I think I'm about to be part of something really cool.
So now I'm employed, sort of. I start on November 10, so I have another month of "freedom" ahead. It's actually--finally--sort of a good thing. I'm going to try to take a couple of trips and enjoy time with Luke, and try to accomplish some things. This month will be different from the last month because at least now I know that a job is waiting for me. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't have to worry about what's going to happen. Plus, we're going to have some money, and that's a good feeling since I already had to start paying back some loans, which is unbelievable.
Thanks for your love, support, and prayers. I'm sorry I'm such a trainwreck sometimes :)
I got two job offers on Friday and had all weekend to analyze and cry and pray and not know what to do. I went back and forth about both jobs and kept praying that when I woke up this morning, I would know what to do. I had an inkling when I woke up, and through a series of events only God could have orchestrated, it became very clear that I should take one and not the other. I not only will get to work with Hispanics, but that's basically why they're hiring me--to establish a Hispanic client base in a certain area. The woman in charge is really fabulous and she has a vision for the Hispanic population that includes me, specifically, and I think I'm about to be part of something really cool.
So now I'm employed, sort of. I start on November 10, so I have another month of "freedom" ahead. It's actually--finally--sort of a good thing. I'm going to try to take a couple of trips and enjoy time with Luke, and try to accomplish some things. This month will be different from the last month because at least now I know that a job is waiting for me. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't have to worry about what's going to happen. Plus, we're going to have some money, and that's a good feeling since I already had to start paying back some loans, which is unbelievable.
Thanks for your love, support, and prayers. I'm sorry I'm such a trainwreck sometimes :)
Thursday, October 2, 2008
It smells like you
I wonder if fall will always envelop me like this. Every year, when I get into my car on the first day that really feels like fall, I am instantly a senior in high school. No matter where I'm going or what I'm really doing, in my head I am 17 and all the windows are down and the stereo is blaring and I am happy, even though my friends are a mess and I'm kind of alone.
The windows are open in my apartment and the last thing I want is peace and quiet. I want the air to smell like apple cider or pumpkin pie, and I want to sit on the floor of my bedroom to do homework or wait for the phone to ring. And I want to play this cd until my iTunes play count reads 100. And I want to drive to church and spend my afternoons at Shepherd with the loves of my life.
I don't miss anything about high school except days like these.
"24? Not a kid anymore. Are you kidding me?"
The windows are open in my apartment and the last thing I want is peace and quiet. I want the air to smell like apple cider or pumpkin pie, and I want to sit on the floor of my bedroom to do homework or wait for the phone to ring. And I want to play this cd until my iTunes play count reads 100. And I want to drive to church and spend my afternoons at Shepherd with the loves of my life.
I don't miss anything about high school except days like these.
"24? Not a kid anymore. Are you kidding me?"
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Wasted are the days.
It's the first day of October. I never thought I would still be unemployed by the time October rolled around. Is this really happening to me? Is this really my life?
I survived the scary interview. It was scary because I had to take a test--seriously?--which I got a 33% on. Somehow they called me back for a second interview, and I think that I sort of got a job offer, but I'm going to turn it down. I cried the whole way home, because it was a terrible feeling when all I've wanted is a job and when the prospect of one finally comes my way, I can't take it. I know in my heart that it's not the right job for me. I know there would be great things and bad things, but the bad things are the ones that matter to me: primarily, that they see few Hispanics, and most of the patients have health insurance. I know that sounds kind of ridiculous, as if I have something against health insurance. Of course I do not, and I hope we someday live in a country where everyone has health insurance. But since that day is not today, the issues I have with working in such a clinic is not the insurance itself, but the kind of people who have it--upper middle class white people. Obviously, I am one of those people, but for me that's the point. I don't believe that God led me to this point in my life to serve people like me. Not yet, at least. Right now, one of the only things I know for sure is that I'm supposed to serve the underserved, and because of the massive immigrant populations in Nashville and my ability to speak Spanish, I believe that translates to serving the Hispanic population. I'm confident that I won't be happy doing anything else.
So that's why I have to turn down that job.
While two other jobs are still interested, they have both made it clear that they can't continue the process until I get my Tennessee license to practice. According to the TN board of nursing, that's not going to happen until next week at best. Are they kidding? Is it going to be November before I start working? Am I even going to get a job before Christmas?
I did pretty well on my list from last week, but I got sort of distracted by "The O.C." on DVD. The Blockbuster here had free rentals every day in September to celebrate their 20th anniversary here or something, so I watched a ridiculous number of episodes in a very short amount of time.
I've begun discovering these funny things about Luke that I sort of knew to be true before, but now that we're married I see them more often and in more detail. One thing is that he reads political blogs incessantly. I don't even know where he finds these things, but he cannot get enough. Almost daily, I have to tell him to stop reading them so he doesn't drive himself crazy. He's even started yelling at the TV--which he totally hates--when certain politicians or political analysts are on. But he never changes the channel :) Another thing is that he OBSESSES over is giving gifts. I have never known someone to be so set on finding the perfect gift, or at least, the exact one he wants to give. Our nephew, Moses, is turning 1 next week, and he's spent all his spare time looking at gifts for him. Last night we went to Borders to find a book for Moses, and he literally sat down in the middle of the children's section and started going through every book. We probably would have been there all night if I hadn't reminded him that Moses couldn't even read yet and forced him to choose one.
I like learning these secrets about my husband because they remind me of some of the things I love most about him: that he wants to do things the best he can--perfectly if possible--and he wants to learn and know as much as he can, especially if he has to make a decision based on what he knows.
I'm praying that October will be the month of employment.
I survived the scary interview. It was scary because I had to take a test--seriously?--which I got a 33% on. Somehow they called me back for a second interview, and I think that I sort of got a job offer, but I'm going to turn it down. I cried the whole way home, because it was a terrible feeling when all I've wanted is a job and when the prospect of one finally comes my way, I can't take it. I know in my heart that it's not the right job for me. I know there would be great things and bad things, but the bad things are the ones that matter to me: primarily, that they see few Hispanics, and most of the patients have health insurance. I know that sounds kind of ridiculous, as if I have something against health insurance. Of course I do not, and I hope we someday live in a country where everyone has health insurance. But since that day is not today, the issues I have with working in such a clinic is not the insurance itself, but the kind of people who have it--upper middle class white people. Obviously, I am one of those people, but for me that's the point. I don't believe that God led me to this point in my life to serve people like me. Not yet, at least. Right now, one of the only things I know for sure is that I'm supposed to serve the underserved, and because of the massive immigrant populations in Nashville and my ability to speak Spanish, I believe that translates to serving the Hispanic population. I'm confident that I won't be happy doing anything else.
So that's why I have to turn down that job.
While two other jobs are still interested, they have both made it clear that they can't continue the process until I get my Tennessee license to practice. According to the TN board of nursing, that's not going to happen until next week at best. Are they kidding? Is it going to be November before I start working? Am I even going to get a job before Christmas?
I did pretty well on my list from last week, but I got sort of distracted by "The O.C." on DVD. The Blockbuster here had free rentals every day in September to celebrate their 20th anniversary here or something, so I watched a ridiculous number of episodes in a very short amount of time.
I've begun discovering these funny things about Luke that I sort of knew to be true before, but now that we're married I see them more often and in more detail. One thing is that he reads political blogs incessantly. I don't even know where he finds these things, but he cannot get enough. Almost daily, I have to tell him to stop reading them so he doesn't drive himself crazy. He's even started yelling at the TV--which he totally hates--when certain politicians or political analysts are on. But he never changes the channel :) Another thing is that he OBSESSES over is giving gifts. I have never known someone to be so set on finding the perfect gift, or at least, the exact one he wants to give. Our nephew, Moses, is turning 1 next week, and he's spent all his spare time looking at gifts for him. Last night we went to Borders to find a book for Moses, and he literally sat down in the middle of the children's section and started going through every book. We probably would have been there all night if I hadn't reminded him that Moses couldn't even read yet and forced him to choose one.
I like learning these secrets about my husband because they remind me of some of the things I love most about him: that he wants to do things the best he can--perfectly if possible--and he wants to learn and know as much as he can, especially if he has to make a decision based on what he knows.
I'm praying that October will be the month of employment.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I'm getting desperate.
I feel like I'm never going to get a job. I just talked to a girl who graduated from my program and has done everything wrong in my opinion, but somehow has 2 job offers and has 2 more interviews this week. She hasn't even taken her boards yet. How is this happening? I just spent like an hour looking for jobs I might have somehow missed, but I can't find any. What am I doing wrong?
Mondays are becoming unbearable, because the weekends are always great, and Monday reminds me that I have to do things I hate, like clean and run errands, because I don't have anything "important" to do. I wish I could skip days like today.
Mondays are becoming unbearable, because the weekends are always great, and Monday reminds me that I have to do things I hate, like clean and run errands, because I don't have anything "important" to do. I wish I could skip days like today.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
A really great weekend, an intimidating week.
I've been absent for a bit because things have been busy and we have been blessed. My dad came to visit last Thursday and Friday and it was so great to see him. One of my favorite things about having my family visit is that I know we don't have to do anything special to have a good time. In fact, we got my driver's license (FINALLY!), went out to dinner, and went to a job interview. It was brief but totally great, and it made me thankful for my time off because he definitely couldn't have come down for the day if I'd been working. Plus, by the time we go home in 3 weeks we won't have seen our families for 2 months...which is a long time for us.
On Saturday, Luke and I headed to Memphis to visit our dear friends Allison and Steven. Allison is my best friend from nursing school who also lived down the street from me for the last two years. They moved to Memphis this summer and we miss them a lot. It's been especially tough during these recent weeks of job searching, because both Allison and I were jobless and I felt like we would have been spending so much time together if we were nearer to each other, or if I'd had some extra money to go visit. Thankfully, Allison just got a really awesome job, and hopefully I'm on my way to one. Anyway, it was so great to visit them and see their incredible new house. It was built in 1916 and it's so full of life. We got to go the the Vanderbilt v. Ole Miss game at Ole Miss, where Steven and Allison both went for undergrad, and we had such a great time getting to see their school and meet their friends. We also got to experience the most elaborate tailgating I could ever imagine. It was awesome and full of yummy food!
One of life's greatest blessings for me is getting to visit friends' homes and meet their friends and family. It always makes me understand a little bit more of who they are and how they became that person. I love putting faces with names for the first time, and getting to see where friends grew up or spent their time. It was really fun to meet so many of Allison's friends and discover why they are so special to her. As of this month, I've now been able to do that, in some form, with all of my closest friends except Marcia, and some day I hope I can visit her home in Iowa or her new home in Omaha.
I had a really successful interview on Friday in which someone was finally excited about my Spanish. It's been sort of frustrating because everyone says, "Oh, you're in nursing, you'll have no trouble finding a job," or "Oh, you speak Spanish, everyone will want to hire you," but the truth is that neither of these things have been correct. The apparent nursing shortage does not apply to nurse practitioners, and in spite of the fact that I speak Spanish and my greatest dream and goal in life is to serve the Hispanic population, it just doesn't seem to be much of a selling point. Or it hasn't, until now, so we'll see if that place is really as excited about it as they seemed to be.
This week I have a really intimidating job interview that is supposed to last over 2 hours. They actually mailed me a letter to tell me about it. I'm scared!
My incredible weekend made me realize how complacent I've grown in my unemployment. I don't mean about the actual lack of employment, because I look for jobs a lot and am busy applying. What I mean is that I'm starting to feel indifferent about the lack of productive work I have to do. I have limited motivation and I'm starting to fill my time with meaningless activities. This is not the kind of person I am, and it's not the person I want to become. I need some goals, so here are a few for the week:
1. Survive my interview on Tuesday
2. Finish my thank-you notes
3. Answer at least 50 ChaCha questions every day
4. Read 1 chapter of my book each day
5. Mail a lot of stuff that I've been putting off
6. Pick our final pictures for the wedding album
7. Make my album of the photobooth pictures
8. Order prints of the wedding pictures
I'll let you know how it goes.
On Saturday, Luke and I headed to Memphis to visit our dear friends Allison and Steven. Allison is my best friend from nursing school who also lived down the street from me for the last two years. They moved to Memphis this summer and we miss them a lot. It's been especially tough during these recent weeks of job searching, because both Allison and I were jobless and I felt like we would have been spending so much time together if we were nearer to each other, or if I'd had some extra money to go visit. Thankfully, Allison just got a really awesome job, and hopefully I'm on my way to one. Anyway, it was so great to visit them and see their incredible new house. It was built in 1916 and it's so full of life. We got to go the the Vanderbilt v. Ole Miss game at Ole Miss, where Steven and Allison both went for undergrad, and we had such a great time getting to see their school and meet their friends. We also got to experience the most elaborate tailgating I could ever imagine. It was awesome and full of yummy food!
One of life's greatest blessings for me is getting to visit friends' homes and meet their friends and family. It always makes me understand a little bit more of who they are and how they became that person. I love putting faces with names for the first time, and getting to see where friends grew up or spent their time. It was really fun to meet so many of Allison's friends and discover why they are so special to her. As of this month, I've now been able to do that, in some form, with all of my closest friends except Marcia, and some day I hope I can visit her home in Iowa or her new home in Omaha.
I had a really successful interview on Friday in which someone was finally excited about my Spanish. It's been sort of frustrating because everyone says, "Oh, you're in nursing, you'll have no trouble finding a job," or "Oh, you speak Spanish, everyone will want to hire you," but the truth is that neither of these things have been correct. The apparent nursing shortage does not apply to nurse practitioners, and in spite of the fact that I speak Spanish and my greatest dream and goal in life is to serve the Hispanic population, it just doesn't seem to be much of a selling point. Or it hasn't, until now, so we'll see if that place is really as excited about it as they seemed to be.
This week I have a really intimidating job interview that is supposed to last over 2 hours. They actually mailed me a letter to tell me about it. I'm scared!
My incredible weekend made me realize how complacent I've grown in my unemployment. I don't mean about the actual lack of employment, because I look for jobs a lot and am busy applying. What I mean is that I'm starting to feel indifferent about the lack of productive work I have to do. I have limited motivation and I'm starting to fill my time with meaningless activities. This is not the kind of person I am, and it's not the person I want to become. I need some goals, so here are a few for the week:
1. Survive my interview on Tuesday
2. Finish my thank-you notes
3. Answer at least 50 ChaCha questions every day
4. Read 1 chapter of my book each day
5. Mail a lot of stuff that I've been putting off
6. Pick our final pictures for the wedding album
7. Make my album of the photobooth pictures
8. Order prints of the wedding pictures
I'll let you know how it goes.
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