Indiana

There is no place in the world like Indiana. I love it so much and I love all things that allow me to artistically express this love. I love pictures of cornfields, the towns and cities, the phrase "midwest is best," the nickname "crossroads of America," and above all, I love an Indiana silhouette with a heart in the middle.

My little house just added one more of those to its Indiana tribute list :)

Welcome back

This was the most restorative weekend I have had in months. Maybe years. So restorative, in fact, that today is the day this blog begins again.

I can't explain it, other than to say I had a lot of time to think and rest while driving 20+ hours in a car with just me and my musical muses, and that being in the company of Taylor friends refreshes my soul. It was an amazing weekend of worship in celebration of life and love, and of course, the marriage of Laci and Brandon.

Since returning to my beloved Taylor house in Fountain Square, I have new goals and ambitious plans to better myself and my marriage. So far, success! And while private things shall remain unspoken for the sake of Holiness, I think we are all up to the challenges. I declare, here and now, that this is going to be an incredible last quarter.

I wish I could say that I have a new vision. But I only have things (people) to look forward to, and a dream in my eye: a Porch wedding, Nashvegas, Memphis, Btown, and (h)Omaha. And that's just the next month.

I am ready for the next step, I just don't know what that is.

Peace

I believe that we belong in Indiana. I miss our family, our church, and the love I always feel there. I am tired of this place, and ready to be home again.

Luke's interviews went really well today, and I have peace, and trust that everything will work out perfectly according to God's will. I could not be more proud of him and truly believe we have done all we can do, and we will continue to do so. I don't know what will happen, and that's scary. But it is so comforting to know that we serve a God who has a grand plan for all humanity, and that his grace and salvation have given us a purpose in that plan, so that we don't have to struggle through a meaningless life, but can joyfully move forward in the hope that he has ordained our every move to fit into his great design.  I believe that we are going to do something incredible, and I just keep praying that God will make it very clear to us how that will happen. I hope that he will reveal it sooner rather than later.

Last night I was reading the story at the beginning of Luke, about how the crowds were surrounding Jesus and he jumped into Peter's boat to teach. He told him to put out his nets into deeper water, even though they'd been fishing all day and hadn't caught anything. "Master, we've been fishing all night and haven't caught even a minnow. But if you say so, I'll let out the nets." And they caught so many fish that they swamped 2 boats. The rest of the chapter is about people who believe Jesus can do anything--including heal their lifelong infirmities.

Do I have enough faith to believe he'll give us jobs and bring us home? Do I have enough faith to believe that whatever happens is part of his perfect plan, even if it's not part of ours? Do I have enough faith to believe that he will give us the strength to do whatever he asks of us?

I need faith like Levi. "After this he went out and saw a man named Levi at his work collecting taxes. Jesus said, 'Come along with me.' And he did--walked away from everything and went with him."

Where do we go from here?

Most days I feel like we don't belong here any more. Since Haiti, I have been praying earnestly that our next step would be something meaningful and powerful. I can't get enough of Carly and Valerie's Kenya blog, and with my dad and brother in my second home, Guatemala, I am reminded that I continue to find myself on the wrong continent, and probably the wrong side of the world.

I have a job I'm thankful for and I still believe it was the right job at the right time. But now I think it was for different reasons than I originally thought. I believed I would spend my days treating every Hispanic on that side of Nashville, but in truth, I haven't treated a single one. Was it just God's way of convincing me to take the job, because He knew I wouldn't do it under any other circumstances? I now believe I'm doing this job because we need to make some money and pay some bills, and it keeps me occupied and gives me experience until we can move onto something greater and more fulfilling. I sent 3 people to the ER in 5 days of work. I never dreamed about anything like this.

What scares me is that I feel like all the signs are showing me that tougher times are ahead. Psalm 22 lingers in the back of my mind and I just keep praying that God will hear me, and answer me. And then I pray that I will accept His will, even if it's not mine. But every day when I hear about what my company is planning for the summer, I can't help thinking that I won't have to worry about that. God, please let that be true.

I met a new neighbor today, a woman from China who just moved in and is here alone. She has no family here and can't drive because she's going to have a baby in less than a month. Which is why she's here--it's her second child, and in China people are still restricted to 1 baby per family. So she can't go back until this baby is born. Which leaves her here, in a foreign country, in a foreign city, with a foreign language and no family, no job, no furniture, and no way to get around. I told her I'd take her to Goodwill next week to buy a table and she couldn't believe it. I can't believe she has enough faith to travel halfway around the world to have a baby in a place where she is totally alone.

LORD, increase my faith!

This is what the LORD says:

Yesterday I was thinking about this passage from Isaiah that helped me get through my boards and my job search. I couldn't remember what chapter it was from so I decided to Google it. I typed in "Whether you turn to the right..." and my search returned some literally unbelievable results. The number 1 result was "Whitney Cerak: July 5, 2006." The number 1 result was a link to the Cerak blog from the summer after the accident, when it was discovered that Whitney was alive, not dead. The number 1 result was a reminder of one of the most difficult times in my journey--but a time when I felt I could reach out and touch God like never before, because we walked together.

I have been feeling a little overwhelmed with work, and am having trouble sleeping because I can't force my brain to stop replaying the patients I saw. I keep wondering what I should have done differently, what will happen to me if something happens to the patient, and what I would do if I ever got sued or lost my license. I feel like I need guidance, and this passage gives me strength and hope, sort of like it did for the Ceraks.

"Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" Isaiah 30:20-21

And on Monday, at the start of my second week of work, when I was plagued with self-doubt, God spoke to me through Jeremiah:
"IS ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR ME? Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 32:27 and 33:3

Somewhere inside me, there's an eloquence that prays for wisdom and discernment with specific requests for holy understanding. But when that prayer surfaces, it is in the form of a meager prayer I prayed as a junior in college when I had to take a final on the anatomy of a cat, and I really needed a B in that class. Back then, I remember going into the bathroom of the library, looking at a diagram of hundreds of muscles and ligaments and blood vessels, and praying, "God, you're the one who made this cat and you knew all its parts before we came up with dumb and confusing names for them, so help me know what you know about it." But now I pray, "God, please help me not hurt anyone today."

Can you read my mind?

Will there ever be a time when I am not caught off-guard by the story of the Taylor accident, flashing on my TV screen or referenced in a magazine? Today I was watching Oprah and there was a preview of tomorrow's show: a re-run of the accident. I looked up and saw the picture of the van and started crying uncontrollably. I don't know how to explain what I still feel. I'm not sad, but I'm affected. It's weird to say, but the accident is part of who I am. It was one of many critical points in my life in which I learn who I am and who I'm supposed to be, and try to reconcile the difference between those two people. When I meet new people and tell them I went to Taylor, almost everyone says they've never heard of it. I know that if I told them about the accident, they'd remember the story. But I never tell them about it. It's too sacred.

After two real days of work, I'm struggling to have confidence in my skills and continue to worry that I'm not doing the right things. People put their complete faith in me and whatever medicine I give them, like what I say is gold and has more clout than anything they've ever heard. I hope I can live up to their expectations.

Jesus, I had plans

I started my new job. It's good, but in some ways, different from what I had expected. Or maybe I mean different from what I had planned. It's only been half a day so it's hard to say what I think, because I don't know enough yet to make that judgment. I think these first couple of months will be trying for me until I begin my own work at my own clinic with Hispanics. I believe that this is what God wants for me, but it's hard to let go of my own vision and see things through His eyes. I know I have a lot to give, I just need to learn to be okay to give it in whatever setting I find myself in.

Today it's especially hard because it's over 70 degrees and the smell of diesel in the air is overwhelming, so that I can't help but wish for Costa Rica. I need some Costa Ricans in my life.

I went to Ohio last week and had one of the best visits ever with Jess and Jarod. I miss them so much and sometimes I have to laugh because I love them equally. I love spending time with them together and talking about so many things. I feel so comfortable with them because they know me completely, inside and out, and even if we don't agree on things it doesn't matter, because they love me. I am so proud of who they've become and what they are accomplishing in Ohio. That's one of my other life plans: to one day live in the same city with them again. I hope it works out soon.

I got to visit the school for immigrant women where Abby is working, and I've added it to the list of "Organizations I'll support when I have a lot of money." I'm proud of her for giving 120% of herself when she only gets paid to give 50%. All ministries need people like her, who do their best because that's what they do, and it doesn't matter if the time or money is there to support it.

Even though I have to work today, all I keep thinking is that I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see the election results. I hope Indiana pulls through for me.